Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Lovers, Rubbers, Vampires and Friends

Hello all my favorite people,
I hope you all are well, at least, all who read this. To everyone else, boo on you, but I guess you wouldn’t know I said that so…
Moving on.
So, are you looking at the title like…what the hell? You can’t see it, but I’m shaking my head and grinning like a hooker who scored a millionaire. Can anyone say, Pretty Woman Part Deux?

Any hoot, back to the topic at hand. Let’s start with vampires and friends, better known as, what I like to call them, vampire-friends. They suck no actual blood but they do hold a Ph. D. in sucking you dry of time and energy. It’s always take, take, take and very 
little give where these friends are concerned.
As crass and upfront as I’m known to be, I’ll refrain from using names here. Those who think I’m referring to you specifically, shame on you I’d never out you in a blog—not! Those who know me and think this isn’t about you…? I guess we can’t all have perfect insight into ourselves. 
Now, where was I…? Oh!I know a lot of you're familiar with what I’m talking about and if not, I’ll explain. You know the friend who always NEEDS something. They ask you out to do things, all the while, expecting you to pay. They know you’re a specialist in some way shape or form. No matter if it’s writing, counseling, singing, web design, publishing, receptionist work, babysitting, you have free time…anything. This person will always try to exploit you for something and give you as little back as possible.

More examples, you say? But, of course I can give more.
Example one: You’re a stay at home mom. Your friend has children and wants to go out but can find a sitter. At first, she asks you to watch her children this one time. You don’t have anything else going on so you say sure. Before you know it, you’ve somehow become her full time babysitter for whenever she wants to go out. She doesn’t even ask she just drops her kids off. Usually, you don’t mind. You don’t have much to do, however, in the back of your mind you’re thinking—it’d be nice to have your house back to yourself with only your kids. Finally, you’re busy, you have a doctors appoint. Boy, you’ve never been so happy to go to the doctor in your life, right? You tell your friend and her response is “It’s cool, my kids love going to the doctor. They’ll be good.” Vampire-friend strikes again.
Example two: You design websites for a living. Your friend has just undertaken a new business venture and asks for your “advice” about websites. Next thing you know, you’re building the site for said friend. This time the friend offers to give you some money for your time. How much money are we talking? Oh, about two thousand dollars less than what you normally make. But, being a good friend, you grin and bear it and finish the site. Proud of yourself, you turn over your finished product and the friend goes crazy. Your friend bitches and bitches about how this isn’t right, or that isn’t what she wanted, you didn’t do as she asked, on and on and on. All the while, this friend is forgetting you put in two weeks of basically unpaid time, time you should have been working or tending to your own dealings. Vampire-friend…kill number two.
I could go on and on with examples but, I’ll leave it there. I’m sure you know this friend or it could be a family member. Sadly, but hopefully not, you could be this friend. If that’s it then, oh shit! I’ve just given you a guide to being a better vampire-friend.
Damn it all!
Back to the matter at hand, we’ll just pray no vampire-friends are reading this. Cross your fingers. The worst part about these people—no holy water, no crosses, no invitation, no stake to the—wait, stake to the heart will get rid of anybody; we’ll cross that one off the list. But the others, however, won’t get rid of the vampire-friend.
Also these friends don’t give good support either. But, you know that don’t you. You’ve experienced it. You talk about things going on with you and the vampire-friend smiles and nods, yet inside their mind they’re thinking about the next thing they’re going to say or the next thing they want you to help with. You mention your successes and they gloss right over them, or in some extreme situations, sabotage your success.
Oh yes, this friend is a wicked one. Watch out though, these people weasel their way in with their caring nature and seemingly pleasant demeanor. Tricky, tricky, tricky—watch your back. I’m still feeling the effects from being bitten last week. And God help you if you get into a relationship with one of these people. In that case I say—use the stake.
So, that about wraps up this blog—wait! I didn’t say anything about rubbers or lovers. Hmm…what to say, what to say…? I got it!
Give it to your lover on the regular but, if you have multiple lovers, give it to ‘em with a rubber.
This has been another blog brought to you by:
~The Pied Piper

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